Something
That I Struggle With
Getting ready for a new relationship is what I’ve been
struggling with lately. After my first love ended, I found myself in such unstable
condition.
I didn’t really know the real reason why we broke up. I
kept thinking that it was because of me. Something about me is wrong. I must
have had some problems that guys found them annoying. Maybe it was because I
spend too much time talking about the future of starting a family and having
kids. Maybe it was because I didn’t get along too well with other people’s
friends. Maybe it could be that I was not into sports of all kind. Maybe my
imperfections did matter.
Whenever I think about meeting other people, I start to
think about all imperfections. I kept telling myself that there must be something
wrong about me. What is the actually point of having a relationship to me? I
don’t know yet. I couldn’t answer such questions like that.
Time heals. At least that’s what I truly believe. It’s
not the right time right now to think about having a relationship. I know that
I was not getting used to being alone for the past 5 years. Sometimes, I got
nightmares and all the feelings of lonely would come around me. I wasn’t even
in such a hurry looking for a new relationship cause my wound had not been
healed yet. I might have met the right person, but then again, I was too early.
I have always been early my whole life. It’s not really good timing though.
I have time now to really focus on me, myself. What do I see
when I look at myself? My flaws? My imperfections? My bad habits and characteristics?
My eating disorder? I don’t know. I’m still in the middle of looking for
something positive. I want to find a way to really embrace myself and accept
who I really am one more time.
It hurts when I realize that I was too early once again…
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