Saturday, January 23, 2016

Day 23. A Letter To Someone, Anyone

Dear Cerberus,

I couldn’t think of anyone else to write to except you. Ever since you called me your little kitty, maybe it was just yesterday, I just couldn’t get you out of my mind. Isn’t it like something is wrong with me again? I just can’t get my own self to function properly these days.

I’ve been dying for a long break. Truth to be told, I was nearly at my limit working and studying too much. Remember two days in a row when I taught 6 hours per day? I was already at my limit. It felt like I could collapse somehow at any point. Above all, I was under depressed cause my five-year relationship had ended. It was predictable and unavoidable. I tried my best to be strong like always so that other people didn’t have to worry much about me. It was like putting another mask onto my face.

I was broken inside out and somehow you managed to gather all those pieces back. I don’t understand, Cerberus. We only got along for a week and it felt like we had already known each other for years. Why were you here anyway, Cerberus? Why not in the past, why now? Why now, when I was at the lowest of my emotions?

I’m lost, Cerberus. I don’t know where I am, who I am or what I want to do. It’s like I could hold on to any hands that are trying to save me. Isn’t it like using anyone? I can’t help it. I’m sad, broken and selfish for now. I couldn’t figure out my weakness, my imperfections and even my mistakes that led to this ending. Cerberus, why are you even here?

You know that I could use you. When a person feels helpless or when she’s at the lowest point of her emotions, it’s a natural thing for her to hurt other people. I could use you as a tool to get over my break up. I could use you as a tool to be my puppet so that I could manipulate you to satisfy my own feelings. I could hurt you more than anyone could ever do. I could lose my mind and destroy the world that I was trying to fit in. And most importantly, I could break your heart…

Cerberus, it’s dangerous to get to know me better cause now, I am such a mess. Even when I have the courage to get myself together, I could still be dangerous. Why are you risking your life right now? Don’t you think that you might just waste your time getting to know me? I am mentally broken. Sooner or later, I would try to pull you away and hurt you. Just like what I am doing right now…

What’s the point of keeping me by your side? I might now be the one who you thought I would be. Maybe all the kindness, the caring and all the sharing that you see right now, are all nothing but lies? Even I myself cannot guarantee that. No matter how much I tried to pull you away, you still chose to stay. Somehow, I’m having such illusions that you might have fallen for me. I just don’t know what’s real and what’s not right now.

My heart aches today. It’s not my brain that went crazy but instead, my heart. I can’t read the signs. But listen, Cerberus. Even the special feelings that I have felt these days, I couldn’t distinguish between illusion and reality. You’re taking too many risks at once, Cerberus. Aren’t you afraid of falling? Cause it would hurt when you hit the ground…



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