I couldn’t think of anyone else to write to except you.
Ever since you called me your little kitty, maybe it was just yesterday, I just
couldn’t get you out of my mind. Isn’t it like something is wrong with me
again? I just can’t get my own self to function properly these days.
I’ve been dying for a long break. Truth to be told, I was
nearly at my limit working and studying too much. Remember two days in a row
when I taught 6 hours per day? I was already at my limit. It felt like I could
collapse somehow at any point. Above all, I was under depressed cause my five-year
relationship had ended. It was predictable and unavoidable. I tried my best to
be strong like always so that other people didn’t have to worry much about me.
It was like putting another mask onto my face.
I was broken inside out and somehow you managed to gather
all those pieces back. I don’t understand, Cerberus. We only got along for a
week and it felt like we had already known each other for years. Why were you
here anyway, Cerberus? Why not in the past, why now? Why now, when I was at the
lowest of my emotions?
I’m lost, Cerberus. I don’t know where I am, who I am or
what I want to do. It’s like I could hold on to any hands that are trying to
save me. Isn’t it like using anyone? I can’t help it. I’m sad, broken and
selfish for now. I couldn’t figure out my weakness, my imperfections and even
my mistakes that led to this ending. Cerberus, why are you even here?
You know that I could use you. When a person feels
helpless or when she’s at the lowest point of her emotions, it’s a natural
thing for her to hurt other people. I could use you as a tool to get over my
break up. I could use you as a tool to be my puppet so that I could manipulate
you to satisfy my own feelings. I could hurt you more than anyone could ever
do. I could lose my mind and destroy the world that I was trying to fit in. And
most importantly, I could break your heart…
Cerberus, it’s dangerous to get to know me better cause
now, I am such a mess. Even when I have the courage to get myself together, I could
still be dangerous. Why are you risking your life right now? Don’t you think
that you might just waste your time getting to know me? I am mentally broken.
Sooner or later, I would try to pull you away and hurt you. Just like what I am
doing right now…
What’s the point of keeping me by your side? I might now
be the one who you thought I would be. Maybe all the kindness, the caring and
all the sharing that you see right now, are all nothing but lies? Even I myself
cannot guarantee that. No matter how much I tried to pull you away, you still
chose to stay. Somehow, I’m having such illusions that you might have fallen
for me. I just don’t know what’s real and what’s not right now.
My heart aches today. It’s not my brain that went crazy
but instead, my heart. I can’t read the signs. But listen, Cerberus. Even the
special feelings that I have felt these days, I couldn’t distinguish between
illusion and reality. You’re taking too many risks at once, Cerberus. Aren’t
you afraid of falling? Cause it would hurt when you hit the ground…
Really? Like, seriously? It’s a funny thing how sometimes
life wants to mess up with you to spice things up a little bit.
I’ll go quick on my five-year relationship cause I don’t
seem to be able to make my relationship look good anymore. It’s not my fault
though. It’s all about destiny. Sometimes, life could be really funny.
I met him when I was in high school. He had to repeat a
year cause he spent too much time playing computer games. I’m not saying that
it was the bad thing. As I retold so many times about it, it suddenly became a
joke anyway. We were in a relationship for almost five years, actually it was 4
years and 9 months.
We broke up 3 days before Christmas. He was the one who
broke up with me. Since he was the one who broke up with me, it seemed
impossible to find out an explainable reason. For almost a month after we broke
up, I kept thinking to myself: “There must be something wrong about me that
broke us up.” How silly I am.
Today, I left work early cause there was no class in the
afternoon. On my way home, I couldn’t believe that I would run into my ex. He
was walking hands in hands with a girl.
What can I discuss about my first love now? Great timing,
huh? Can’t believe what just happened. It’s not even been a month yet since our
break up. Still two more days to go.
There I was, feeling like an idiot. I was being cheated
on for God’s know how long. He’s not a liar though. He never lies to me. I can guarantee
that. He never lies to me. He just tends to hide the truth. If I don’t ask him
about the truth, he would keep it hidden. Still, not really a liar though.
I really don’t want to turn him into some kind of enemy.
I tried my best to be friends with him cause it would be idiotic for us to be
enemies. However, since I found out this way, I don’t think that he would
deserve it any more. It’s a bad day for him to get caught up like that and now
he’s on my mean post. Life is fair at some points.
I’ve been questioning myself for the past couple weeks. I
really wanted to believe that it was something about me that chased people off.
I wanted to take all the blames. Somehow, life doesn’t want me to take it that
way. Thanks! That helps. It means quite a lot to me. Things start to make much
more sense now.
I feel so disappointed. I was being cheated on by a guy
who was just a driver without any college degree. It’s so humiliated…
I’m a Sagittarius. I was born on December 18th,
so I was very close to Capricorn. As someone who is half human and half animal,
I believe that my sign fits me quite well than I expected.
It is said that a Sagittarius loves traveling which is
obviously a normal fact for me. I love traveling too as long as I have time for
it. I’ve been to quite a few places around my country and I do enjoy going far away from home. Don’t
get me wrong here. I do love staying at my lovely home. It’s just so excited to
have a chance to leave it for some times and come back.
A Sagittarius with its bow and arrows often messes around
with relationships. As I always believe that I must be a Mrs. Right myself
first, rather than finding prince charming. There are guys falling for me just
because. I have never tried archery before so maybe it could be explained. I
attract a few wrong punks. That could be my fault. I never intend to do that
anyway. It’s just, a lot of girls nowadays are so useless, you know? They are
so proud of not knowing how to cook a proper meal and do housework. Their
arrows could reach their targets. Instead, mine reached.
And that’s all I know about my sign
Seriously, I don’t even read about it that much. This is
what I made up in the most logical way that possible. Astrology was never on my
list. I prefer astronomy though.
I miss the cold, gloomy mornings before spring comes.
Although I’m 100% a morning person, I prefer those cloudy and rainy mornings to
those sunny ones. I wouldn’t be lying in bed just because the weather is not so
bright outside. I love sitting at my desk with a hot cup of whatever drink I find
tasty, looking at the raindrops on my glass window.
I miss the days when I have absolute nothing
social-related stuffs to think about. I would just get myself comfortable and
cozy in a woolen sweater and a pair of fuzzy socks. I would spend my time
staying in my own little room where I could read all my books over and over
again without getting tired of. These are the days when I find myself 16 again.
I miss playing pretend as if I were still a little child.
I would love to be a little princess going on her own magical adventures,
searching for her prince charming on a white horse with a bouquet of lavenders
on his hands. Why would any princesses sit back and wait for her prince? What
if she were not even destined to marry a prince? What if on her own adventures,
she found herself falling head over heels for the king of devil? Anything could
happen in the least expected ways.
I miss the summer holidays hanging with my friends on the
rooftop. We would have a BBQ party until very late at night. There would be a
tent, a children pool, blankets and pillows,… everything needed for an all girl
party on the rooftop. We would grill whatever edible we could afford, except
for lobsters cause I’m allergic. We would drink iced tea and sing songs. Then
we would all lie down and quietly observe the beautiful starry night.
I miss dressing up and feeling beautiful. As I spend most
of my time staying at home, I don’t have too many chances to actually dress up
a little bit. I have a gorgeous wardrobe full of different styles of clothing.
My make up collection has expanded ever since my sister started her cosmetic
business. I own so many beautiful shoes which fit me perfectly cause I have
really nice feet.
I miss going on vacation with my dear friends. We would
explore the whole city together without getting tired. Even if there were only
two of us, I would just appreciate all the wonderful times we had been through
together. We would all sit back and make plans and decide where or what to eat
and drink and where to visit, to buy souvenirs and what to wear or bring along,…
There are sure so many things to do.
I’m getting very close to start back all the things I’ve
been missing. Winter is coming really soon. I believe so.
Movies That I Never Get Tired Of Watching
On The Cliff
I have just realized that I was kind of into Japanese
movies. Well, I think I have always been looking for some movies that are kind
of slow and peaceful. Okay I grow up with High School Musical so let’s just
make an exception here. There are lots of memories from watching all those
singing and dancing scenes from a trilogy started 10 years ago.
Ghibli Studio’s movies are very unique and special. My
most favorite is the Totoro’s story. The whole plot was different from other kinds
of movies I would expect. I’ve been obsessed with many Ghibli’s movies. Ponyo
on the cliff is my favorite one of an Asian little mermaid story. The main
characters in most Ghibli’s movies are children. I love children.
I love Bunny Drop because of the two main characters.
Little Ashida Mana is the girl from Marumo No Okite. She danced the song Maru
Maru Mori Mori. The guy in the movie, he’s also the main character in Norwegian
Woods. He is so handsome and lovely in his own way. I think he’s my male celebrity
I have always loved Mary Poppins ever since I saw it on
Disney. Julia Andrew and all her songs from Mary Poppins have always been in my
head. Whenever I heard those songs, I still can see clearly the scenes from the
movies where they would all be very happy. I read the book too. Somehow, I lost
the book. I really want to buy another copy, but this time, it should be the
original English one.
I am excited about cute little weird things. Mostly, I
would go crazy all about fashion. I don’t mind carrying weird stuffs. You know
my stuffed raccoon bag! That’s what I’m talking about.
Beside fashion, I am excited about being fed. Although I
have selective eating disorder, I do enjoy eating what I like. Lately, I’ve
been obsessed with Udon – Japanese/Korean style noodle. I have always loved
eating Japanese food and Vietnamese food. I don’t really enjoy Western Cuisine
cause after all, I’m still an Asian.
Pets. I’m excited about having a pet. It’s like starting
new family with a whole new special member. I have to admit that I was afraid
of animals ever since I was young. Last year, I had a chance to befriend with a
puppy. That was when I learn to communicate with them. I do afraid of birds
though. I’m getting along very well with cats and dogs.
I think that I’m excited about going shopping. Well, it’s
explainable though. I’m a real girl, so I do enjoy shopping as one of my
hobbies. I save money to buy something that would make me happy. Mostly,
something new for my wardrobe. I have just reorganize my wardrobe this week.
The good news is, although I’ve been buying quite a lot of stuffs for Tet
Holidays, I don’t have to get rid of anything. Normally, there would be a bunch
of new and never-worn-once stuffs which later I would have to sell them all.
Today, I only have some very old stuffs to throw away. Nothing left to go to my
I’m not quite in the mood to write today. I’ve been
playing video games a lot today. I just needed those things. Maybe I’ve been
thinking too much. I lost my inspirations which I hope would be temporary.
Still, I have another day waiting for me ahead.
I’m a blessed child. I was born into a happy family. I
went to different schools and I made friends with such amazing people. So, this
is going to be a long post. Here are my top 5 blessings in my life so far:
I live with my parents. I don’t intend to move out
although I do love to live on my own. It’s just the feeling of guilty when I’m
not here, in my parents’ house, to be with my parents. I don’t want them to
live a lonely life cause they stop talking to each other for a long time now.
They don’t get along very well and instead of fighting, they choose to keep
quiet. Although the three of us live together under the same roof, we still
have our own lives. I still have half a year to go with my college degree and I
work part-time at a vocational school. My mom retired years ago. Every day, she
takes care of her own little garden and using Facebook. Papa does the same
Facebook thing. He still works with his jewelry business kind of thing. Still,
we live together. I’m glad that I still have a home.
twin and my muses
I met my yin yang twin at the age of 10. We were
classmates and we got very close in the 7th grade. We have been
friends for more than ten years already. It’s getting kind of creepy ever since
cause we tend to read each other’s mind. Sometimes, it feels like there was
some kind of invisible connections between us which are so hard to put down in
words. We do look alike somehow. Our styles and our ways of thinking have
always been synchronized.
Every artist has her own muse. Her muse is her
inspiration to follow the path she has chosen. Without her muse, every work of
art would be missing its soul. My first and long-term muse is my best friend,
Moo. I have fallen for her charm and beauty. She’s the inspiration for every
work of art I’ve made. I love taking photos of her and eventually, I love
writing stories inspired by her.
Emerald is my second favorite muse. She was my high
school classmate and ever since we graduated, I haven’t seen her for years now.
The last time I talked to her, she was in Da Nang city, studying to become a
dentist, I think. When I first met her, I was charmed by her innocent look. I
spent the whole summer taking many photos of her with different concepts.
Then, Hee was my third muse. I met her on my freshmen
year. She was the tallest of my muses and her body was so skinny. She’s
different from other muses as well as normal people. But still, she is my
inspiration. She worked for me as a model for my shops along with my twin.
In September 2015, I left my old job and started working
at Majcen Vocational School. I worked here as an English Teacher. Never had I thought
that I would find my second family here. I was so depressed at that time from
different stuffs. Truth to be told, I was at my limit going back to self-harm. I
couldn’t face my own problems anymore and sometimes, I had to leave behind my responsibilities
cause I was helpless.
Majcen was a different workplace for me. All the students
and teachers there was totally different from what I considered “school”. It’s
like a much better version of college where everyone is a member of a bigger
family. The students at Majcen come from different family background and
different parts of our country. There is no wall nor distance between us. They
are the most magical medicine to cure my mental illness. In October 2015, I was
back on my own feet again. It was like coming back from the death. I have never
felt so calm in my life working at Majcen Vocational School with my beloved
students and teachers.
Mostly, when I think back about all my teachers, I still
can see the painful memories. I didn’t enjoy schooling that much cause, well,
both my teachers and my friends were not that nice to me. I don’t do tough
love, okay? Tough love leaves nothing but pains on me. However, miss Nhung is
Miss Nhung is my first English teacher. I went to Duong
Minh Language School at the age of 10. She was the first teacher who taught me
the beauty of the English language. I was inspired by her method of teaching,
her kindness and most of all, her unconditional love for her students. You
would never feel the same way I feel when you knew nothing about a new foreign
language and there you go, she would be your first teacher. She was more than
just a teacher. She taught you with all her heart. She believed in you, in your
ability to grow.
Until now, I still remember all the nursery rhythms and songs
and stories and life experiences that she taught. I don’t know what would I do
without her. I’m so blessed to have her in my life.
I know that I have always been and I will always be
different. It took me years to finally learn to accept myself the way I am. I
never want nor I never choose to be different. I was born this way. Some people
like me cause I’m different. Other like me because some parts of me are still
normal. You know what, I don’t give a damn. It took forever for me to learn to
love myself. I appreciate the fact that many people do love me for who I really
am. Those are people who tend to stay in my life. I couldn’t ask for more.
There are certain things that didn’t happen the things it
was supposed to be. Sometimes, I still have the thought of changing it somehow.
What if I could turn it around? Would it change anything or would it rather
stay the same?
On top of that, one of the things that had always been on
my mind is that what if I didn’t write that letter? I know that this one is
supposed to lie in the past and there would ever be any reason to talk about it
Back in grade 10, my homeroom teacher taught physics. I
was never good at physics nor math nor chemistry. In fact, I sucked. I never
intended to be good at something that was clearly not meant for me to be good
at my whole life. I didn’t go to her classes after school because why anyway?
As a teacher, you should have taught in class everything you were supposed to
rather than turning it into some kind of money-making business called “after
school classes”. I never intended to take her class. My grade wasn’t good
because she didn’t taught me how to do those exercise in class. People might
choose not to believe this but if you were in my shoes, you would have felt the
same way I felt - how horrible it was to sit in a class where everyone was
supposed to study the same thing, but no, it was far too different.
One day, she got too upset cause we, her students, were
getting bad grades. She thought that it must be her fault somehow. I thanked
God a thousand times cause at least, she knew that there was something wrong
about her teaching. However, she was too blind to see the truth hidden behind
her wealth. She asked the whole class to write her a letter, telling her our
thoughts, our own opinions so that she would know what was wrong with her,
mostly, with her class.
Back then, I was such an arrogant kid. I was fifteen at
that time. I thought to myself that it was in fact a good chance to let her
know the truth. Therefore, I wrote her a letter with all the ugly truth she
should have seen a long time ago. She was quite shocked to read that although
she pretended that she was fine. Well, she was definitely not. She did try to
hide it pretty well provided the fact that she pretended not to know who wrote
A few weeks later, she noticed that my grade in
literature had dropped. I was not good at literature either because Vietnamese
literature (I’m talking about how the subject was taught) was fucking stupid.
Even now, I’m still a better literature student than most of my high school acquaintances.
I got a five at that time. She used my grade against me. She didn’t say my name
out loud but she mentioned how I was so good at writing such a letter to my
homeroom teacher but instead got a five on my literature test.
I was frozen. I didn’t know how I should react. I did
have the thought of crashing her bike on the way home. Instead, I chose to keep
quiet. I was already leaning toward being a loner, an introvert at that time.
It soon became my own path. To think back about high school, still, sometimes
there are nightmares. High school was a tough time for me, a lifelong lesson
that I had to learn at such a young age. A lesson that changes who I am
supposed to be is too painful. It haunts me often when I feel stressed. It
scares me every time I dream about going back to school. I was so thankful to
wake up in bed and try to calm myself for one thing “High school has ended, a
long time ago.”
What if I didn’t write that letter?
Though I have to admit that writing that letter is the
biggest mistake I made, how would my life change the other way? I wouldn’t
become an introvert. I might have made some friends, or even a lot of friends.
High school might be a precious memory like everybody’s else. I would choose a
different path to go in my life. I might have been to a different college,
study a different major and meet someone different. I don’t know.
I love how my life turns out to be. The reason that I
still have the thought of “what if” is because I was haunted by my past. High
school has always been a nightmare. Somehow, I just want to change it a little
bit so that I don’t have to wake up in the middle of the night, crying alone
cause I thought that I was going back to high school.
I am a little obsessed over little things. I can get very
emotional when it comes to things that I like. To be honest, never have I been
sitting at my desk to start thinking about things that I feel strongly for.
Green tea powder is one of my favorite things. I prefer
the Japanese Matcha to Thai Matcha because the quality is far too different. It’s
true that we can get a pack of Thai Matcha for haft a price compare to a pack
of Japanese Matcha. However, I really don’t like the fact that Thai Matcha will
eventually change its color after mixing. I still can’t forget my green tea
cookies started to turn into dark brown color after baking while it was
supposed to be the bright green color. I don’t gain any trust over Thai Matcha
over time and although I couldn’t afford the Japanese one, I still prefer it.
I get obsessed over almost everything that is made from
green tea powder. Matcha beverages such as latte, ice blended, milk… are my
usual orders whenever I have a drink. Matcha pastries such as roll cake,
tiramisu, choux cream, bread,… are on my list. Then come all other Matcha
beauty products such as facial cleanser, shower gel,… I got them all. Matcha is
love. Matcha is life.
Besides green tea, chocolate is also my obsession.
Although I don’t go too crazy about chocolate and white chocolate is
technically “not-real-chocolate”, I still put chocolate on the list here. I
love white chocolate. Its flavor is not so strong and it goes perfectly with
green tea powder. White chocolate is also cheaper. I could drink or eat white
chocolate without getting tired of it. I also like raw dark chocolate. Its
unique flavor is what I like the most. Somehow, I don’t like milk chocolate, It
doesn’t taste like chocolate at all.
Those are like my top two, and since we’re talking about
the “top-things”, I think it’s much better to have the third stage. I would say
that lavender is a thing for me. Ever since I was a little child, I had fallen
in love with the color called lavender. Later on, I discovered that it was in
fact a type of flower. I still remember asking my mom to buy me some lavender
seeds so that I could make my own little garden. I was so disappointed to find
out that lavender cannot be grown in our country. As I grow up, I tend to find
things that lavender-related such as massage cream, shower gel, oil…
A few years ago, there was a trend going on in the whole
country. People started to buy lavender, especially the dried one cause it made
such beautiful decoration. It was too expensive and to be honest, I still
prefer observing its beauty through photos of lavender fields in France. I am
not the type of person who follows the trend though, mostly because I don’t
"Lollipops turn into cigarettes.
The innocent ones turn into sluts. Homework goes in the trash. Mobile phones
are being used in class. Detention becomes suspension. Soda becomes vodka.
Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant
swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the
worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad’s shoulders were the
highest place on earth and mum was your hero? Your worst enemies were your
siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game.
And the only drug you knew was cough medicine. When wearing a skirt didn’t make
you a slut. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and
goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And we couldn’t wait to grow up" –
Getting ready for a new relationship is what I’ve been
struggling with lately. After my first love ended, I found myself in such unstable
I didn’t really know the real reason why we broke up. I
kept thinking that it was because of me. Something about me is wrong. I must
have had some problems that guys found them annoying. Maybe it was because I
spend too much time talking about the future of starting a family and having
kids. Maybe it was because I didn’t get along too well with other people’s
friends. Maybe it could be that I was not into sports of all kind. Maybe my
imperfections did matter.
Whenever I think about meeting other people, I start to
think about all imperfections. I kept telling myself that there must be something
wrong about me. What is the actually point of having a relationship to me? I
don’t know yet. I couldn’t answer such questions like that.
Time heals. At least that’s what I truly believe. It’s
not the right time right now to think about having a relationship. I know that
I was not getting used to being alone for the past 5 years. Sometimes, I got
nightmares and all the feelings of lonely would come around me. I wasn’t even
in such a hurry looking for a new relationship cause my wound had not been
healed yet. I might have met the right person, but then again, I was too early.
I have always been early my whole life. It’s not really good timing though.
I have time now to really focus on me, myself. What do I see
when I look at myself? My flaws? My imperfections? My bad habits and characteristics?
My eating disorder? I don’t know. I’m still in the middle of looking for
something positive. I want to find a way to really embrace myself and accept
who I really am one more time.
It hurts when I realize that I was too early once again…
Although I have not been listening to many new songs
lately, I do enjoy sticking to my old playlist. I listen to both English and
Japanese songs. No, I do not really enjoy listening to Vietnamese songs. Feel
free to judge… I do not care.
Reinhart - Can’t Help Falling In Love
Gakari – Blue Bird
Lee Hom – Yi Ran Ai Ni
Leroy – Lullaby (Song Of The Sea)
Enriquez – How Can I Not Love You
Goulding – Take Me To Church
Menzel ft. Michael Bublé – Baby It’s Cold Outside
Sivan – Fools
9. Vanessa Hudgens ft. Zac Efron – The Start Of